He thinks I’m almost his,
but when I’m completely alone
and when he’s not even awake
I try to see inside my ribs,
try to perform heart surgery on my own insides.
just so you’ll want to keep me,
just a little bit longer.
Just so I could have you,
if not longer.
I don’t know who we are
since knowing who I am
isn’t knowing anything at all.
Maybe tomorrow you will be able to grab my hand,
and trace your fingers in my cheekbones,
lock your knuckles with mine and close so tightly
that you can feel my pulse
confused with desperation
travel down my outside walls.
Try to solve your own equations.
What’s x squared times the minutes i’m missing you?
How many days will it take for you to not know me?
How many years will it be for you to see right through me?
If I stand so close to you, I wonder how hard I will fall.
I wonder if you’re actually hoping someday to be with me,
be anything at all.
He thinks I’m almost his,
The night still becomes night
yet never any blacker if you cry
The forest still remains silent
while the trees stand long after they die
so you can get up, grow up,
get out, and get by.
I still remember
Of all the hours
That bled into days,
When my heart couldn’t breathe
And my lungs were useless,
But I can not picture
The colour of your eyes,
Or the freckles on your back,
Or the way
To dwell on a blackened memory.
You’ll find us in the sucking of smoke as our cigarettes give loom to the only light. You’ll find us in the alleyways of our mind hiding from whatever despair lurks this hour. You’ll find us amongst others who bustle past so much our skin cracks and bleeds, yet will go unnoticed. You’ll find us looking to the stars, because to look around our bodies brings us nothing but pain. We are the underdogs of the world, caught up in fiction and dreaming, in love and hatred but never lust because we do nothing ‘half way’, even feel. Waiting for everyone else to be nourished and fed of our minds so we can move forward finally, hopefully. We exist, but spend every day trying to live because the thoughts that we think, and the dreams that we dream could cure cancer, and bring world peace and all that heart melting ‘stuff’ because we are the underdogs, who will save the world, if only you’d let us.
I can not stand the shape of my tits, but every time I think about how I could easily fork out $5000 for a breast augmentation, I realise how silly that idea is and go back to being depressed that I look like a woman with man boobs. Ugh.
You know those moments when you feel deadly alone. Oh god they’re suffocating. I know they’re fleeting thoughts, but I’m sitting here waiting for it to hurry up and disappear.
If I can encourage one statement in my life to those around me, those willing to listen and those who couldn’t care less; it would be this. Say everything. Every feeling your gut presents and your mind says no to, say it. Every time you bite your tongue or bruise your lip, stop it, and say it out loud, and to who ever it is you want to hear it. Don’t go through life being haunted by the words you didn’t speak, oh how heavy your heart will grow over time. Whether it’s ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘I can’t stand you’ or’ I’m miserable’ or ‘I’m sorry’ or even that you’re not the slightest bit sorry at all. Say it.
I did, and I couldn’t be happier.
You feel like my home and I never want to be apart from you. I’m not sacrificing my life for you because for so long you’ve been my life, but at the time I’d give up everything and anything for you. I could stay this happy and content forever.
Once upon a time, I fell in love with a boy, and that was the end. I never fell out of love though, for my heart to move on with the rest of my body and mind; the same way his carried on without me.
And I think that’s sadder.
Your work feels like warmth running through the air, with such lyricism to it I feel I could read it forever. I must admit, it has given me goosebumps at times. Feel proud, Camella.
I don’t think I’ve ever received such a positive comment on my writing before by a total stranger. My tutor has made my day. The past 14 weeks were definitely worth every word. Couldn’t be happier with my results.
I have a three part assignment to start and complete by 5pm today (4 hours from now) and I did one part that was only 100 words and decided I deserve a cigarette and tumblr break. Yep. Definitely.
What happened when I needed you?
Where were you when the sky went blue?
You forgot me while I held on for two.